The Appreciation Audit: A Better Way to Be Grateful This Holiday Season
When Gratitude Feels Like a Command
It’s holiday time! Time to break out the tinsel, the turkey, and serve it all up with a generous side of stress. And not just any stress—we're talking brown butter stress, because goodness knows you want your holiday tension to have that nutty, deeply complex flavor.
This is also the season when we are traditionally commanded to be grateful for what we have. I’m here to tell you that it’s not always easy to conjure up a feeling of picture-perfect gratitude, especially when you’re standing in the midst of genuine holiday chaos.
If you have an Inner Critic (and darling, I know you do!), that voice can come on particularly strong this time of year. It pipes up, listing every single thing you didn’t manage to do perfectly over the last twelve months.
This creates a bit of a paradox: you are profoundly grateful for your life and your loved ones, and in the right moments, you can absolutely connect with that feeling. But sometimes—just sometimes—you also feel deeply resentful of the emotional toll it all takes. For those moments of resentment, guilt, or imperfection, that Inner Critic makes you pay. It hits you with a heavy dose of "Failure" (Quick take from me: You are not a failure.)
These pumpkins aren’t perfect and you don’t have to be either
Ditching Toxic Gratitude (and Welcoming Uncle Stan)
The last thing you want to do is poison your Thanksgiving meal, which is why we need to ditch toxic gratitude, a close cousin of toxic positivity. These concepts describe the phenomenon of forcing good vibes when maybe your vibe is, well, more nuanced than just 'good.'
Instead, let’s celebrate your beautiful complexity and open your home to welcome all your parts. Believe it or not, even the self-critic deserves a seat at your metaphorical table. It’s a dedicated hard worker, and frankly, it could use a little appreciation. Sure, it may be brutal, and it may be pumping out fake news faster than your Uncle Stan’s Facebook feed, but like Uncle Stan, it’s a part of the family. It’s going to show up whether you like it or not, and it certainly won't respond well to being shamed or forced into feeling grateful.
Uncle Stan says “Pass the g*ddam stuffing.”
The Road of Self-Compassion
So, instead of sitting across the dinner table from your Inner Critic and desperately trying to convince it that you’re not a complete failure, try shifting your attention. One of the most direct paths away from self-recrimination is the road of self-compassion. In many ways, self-compassion is the true, authentic form of gratitude for your human experience.
With this new lens, you begin to appreciate yourself, not for achieving some sort of perfect outcome, but simply for your willingness to show up. You’re having the experience you’re having, whether it’s a beautifully curated holiday tablescape or a plate of burned stuffing. Self-compassion brings non-judgmental presence, meaning you acknowledge the effort you put in, regardless of the result. You are showing up, every day.
When you learn to appreciate your own messy effort, you model a vital lesson for your children. Boys, especially, need to hear the message that even when they’re struggling, their effort is more valuable than the results. This attitude directly counters the corrosive effects of toxic shame.
The Appreciation Audit
So, if you’re looking to genuinely celebrate the holidays with an attitude of gratitude, try an Appreciation Audit instead. Don't just list the things you have, like the house and the job. List things you DID that were imperfect but required courage, like navigating an awkward conversation with your son about a hard topic, or being brave enough to set a difficult boundary.
Gratitude isn’t a checklist, and it’s certainly not a homework assignment. It’s grace. If you can touch into genuine, unforced gratitude, that’s wonderful—it’s a deeply powerful tool for cultivating a rich and meaningful life. But don’t force it too much. Find ways to add your own courageous efforts and messy experiences to your list. Even if those efforts didn't always yield the expected results, you still showed up.
A Little Grace for the Journey
This holiday season, give yourself a break. You don't have to be a perfect host, a perfect parent, or perfectly grateful all the time. Your effort, your complexity, and even your "brown butter stress" are valid. The grace you extend to yourself—your own self-compassion—is the most powerful form of gratitude you can offer.
Your Call to Action: Today, before you sit down for your next holiday meal, pick one moment from the last week where you showed up imperfectly but courageously. Write it down, say it out loud, and thank yourself for the effort. That is your genuine gratitude.